Middle Age

I just turned 43

My birthday was six days ago and in those six days I have mostly talked about anti-aging marketing, mid-life crises and the invisibility of women over 40. I guess you can say that I am feeling some type of way about having turned 43. One of the many cool things about getting older though is that while I may be feeling some type of way, I am also totally equipped to deal with these feelings. That’s not say it is an entirely pleasant experience. I’ve also had a two day hangover from one martini, stared at my face deeply in the mirror in search of signs of aging and considered dyeing my gray hairs at least 15 times. But I’ve also started two new satire pieces about aging and committed myself to a short (or feature) film idea that revolves around my current age obsession. So some good things too.

What I mean when I say I am equipped to handle the feelings is that, well first of all I turned some of these things into creative energy, so that’s good. But also I have mostly just sat back and let myself have these feelings; I have not felt like anything is wrong because I am feeling this way. I’m not worried or sad or scared about the feelings. I may be worried or sad or scared about gray hair and about becoming invisible. But that’s a pretty rational way to feel. Especially in this society. But I won’t talk about the shitty double standard of how women’s aging is viewed, I’ll save that for comedy. Actually I probably will talk about that here, just not right now.

Here is something I want to talk about and this has probably helped me stay rational and peaceful through these worries over aging, and that is my desire to write and create my own work for myself. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was laid off and I had kind of wished for more time to focus on “personal” projects. Well first I went away to Cape Cod then I had my birthday then it was labor day. So it’s really only been the last two days that I have this schedule with time to write and focus on what I want to create. Leading up to the last few days, when I wasn’t on a beach or at a broadway play or a Keanu Reeves movie (I am bragging about my previous week), I was making lists for myself and I was searching for inspiration and I was taking notes and emailing myself ideas. So even though it’s only been two days and I am sure the worst is yet to come, I have been pretty focused and generative the past two days. Yay! I started two new satire pieces. I submitted a piece that I have been sitting on. I applied for a part time job. I wrote new jokes for my stand-up. Yada, yada. As I said I am sure the worst is yet to come, however, since I am 43 now I will bask in this good part because one thing I have learned is that everything is finite. I’ll bask in the glory and and swim through the mud because both are just temporary.

Things I reccommend:

Books:

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong. This book is devastating. It is perfect and beautiful and affirms the need for more stories and for life.

Movies:

My Own Private Idaho directed by Gus Van Sant. I had not seen it in 20 years, went to a Keanu Reeves marathon. It is funny and dark and deep and scary and vast and brave and weird and beautiful.

T.V.

Killing Eve (on Hulu). My Phoebe Waller-Bridge obsession continues. I’ve watched two episodes and I can’t wait to watch more!

Theater:

Oklahoma on Broadway. It is so fucking cool and smart and should be studied.

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