Jesus! This is starting to get humiliating; every time I write it’s after a long ass break in between. I guess so. Here I am. I titled this My Week because I have had a challenging week. I also want to write about the week’s preceding this week. I had gone away to visit family in Austin and I wanted to write about that visit and about family. Here goes.
I’ll start with my week. I had a “tough” week. I put tough in quotes because it was not tough in the conventional sense. Mostly because the “conventional” sense of anything is usually too simplistic and lacks nuance. I wanted to make it clear that the week was really good because of the difficult things that happened. That’s what I mean by tough. It was tough or difficult to work through some of the moments/events that happened. But they were all things that I needed, I learned from and that resulted in something better.
Shit, I already don’t feel like writing the details of my week. But I will. So last week I had a couple of really bad days. They were bad because I messed up times/schedules, I rode the subway about 11 times in one day. I felt humiliated, my alarm went off three times during a casting director class. Yes, three times. My phone is on silent 100% of the time. But on this day I had set my alarm for p.m. instead of a.m. and I never corrected it. So when the alarm went off in class I was so flustered that I just pressed any button on my phone-which of course only snoozed it. So it went off again at which point I turned the phone off. I was so upset that when it was my turn to do my scene I was very distracted ( I had also gotten laid off earlier that day), I ended up doing a shitty job. When I was done I turned my phone back on so I could text my partner the fact that I was having a TERRIBLE DAY and right when I turned my phone on THE ALARM WENT OFF AGAIN! Thankfully no one said a word, probably because I was so mortified the first time my phone went off that they all just felt bad and could tell I was just having a bad day.
Yea, so also I got laid off. That was tough. I have a summer day job, it’s inly three days a week but it’s making it possible for me to not be on unemployment since my main day job is Teaching Artist, which I can only do during the school year. The funny thing is that I had really wanted something part time this summer because being on unemployment is stressful. But I had kind of been complaining about the fact that I was having a much busier summer that I had wanted. I wanted some time of nothingness so I could make some new intentions for myself and my career. But my summer has been pretty full-in wonderful ways, but still full to the degree that I wanted more nothing. Well I got it now. Or not now, but starting next week.
I also stepped away from a play that I was to start rehearsals for on Friday (Friday was the day I officially stepped away- I know!). I had been feeling apprehensive and resentful of a lot of elements of working on this show and I did not think that was the best way to engage in something. I loved the play and the playwright. I had done a reading of it back in December of last year. But there were some issues I just could not get past. So I spoke with the playwright/producer/my friend and I told her how I felt. She was so understanding in spite of the timing and she was really wonderful. I hope to make these decisions much earlier in the future. I think that it’s hard to listen to my own voice my own feelings and desires sometimes. Especially around my career because working on something is so important. BUT working on something I want to be working on is far better than just working on anything.
I was humiliated. Yup. But that is kind of an everyday occurrence for me because I find waking up humiliating. I find being alive humiliating. But I was humiliated in a very specific way last week. And it sucked. But once again it was in service of a greater good. It is part of my growth in this particular area of my life. I’m sorry I’m being so vague, I don’t have the language yet for how to discuss this. Soon, I hope.
O.k. that feels like a lot. I will save my family trip for another time.
Here are some things I recommend:
A Black Lady Sketch Show on HBO- It is masterfully done.
My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh- It is devastatingly good. The characters are veiny in their embodiment of modern desires/follies.
The Beach Bum a Harmony Korine film. (I watched it on Hulu)- It is a work of comedic genius. So many great performances. It is a horror tale of modern life told with unparalleled gall. So good!!