Well I wanted to give you a view into my process and I sure have; write regularly for a a few weeks and then disappear for several more weeks. That’s about right. BUT I am not going to spend anytime feeling bad about that. Starting again without judgement is now also a part of my process.
I did attempt to write over the last several weeks. I just looked at one such attempt, in it I talk about Ocean Vuong. He is a writer who has just released his first novel to rave reviews. The reason I wanted to talk about him is because I had read some reviews of his book, it sounded good, but his personal story really resonated with me. When I saw him in an interview, he talked about his life. He spoke with such clarity, ferocity, care and pride about where he came from; I was in awe of him. His story is one of difficulty, poverty, immigration and anguish. These are all things that usually lead to shame. But Ocean is proud and he has turned his life into poetry. I want that.
I think one of the reasons I have such a tough time being consistent with blogging and in other areas of my life, truthfully, is because of shame. Recently I have been plagued with some pretty severe social anxiety and it really sucks. It makes expressing myself very difficult, and this blog’s primary focus is to express myself. So that is why I have been away.
I also just closed a play, it was part of a play festival called ICE FACTORY which takes place at the New Ohio Theater every year. I had a great time, I worked with some BRILLIANT and kind people, it was truly one of my favorite theatrical experiences. But boy did it trigger my imposter syndrome. All of the cast has been making theater in NYC for much longer than me, most of them knew each other beforehand. It was a real challenge to shut off my inner voice that kept telling me that everything I said and did was stupid. Thankfully that voice was only there to comment on the social part of the experience. I did not question my choices or freeze up when it came to my acting work. Thank God! I think this is because of my training or because of Flow, either way, I knew that I belonged on that stage and in that rehearsal room, to do work. The part was was painful and difficult was the building relationships and friendships part of the process. But I still managed to build those things too. I worked hard to quiet the negative self-talk; I meditated and I talked to my partner and my therapist. All of this to say that I was busy with the end of the school year ( my teaching job) and rehearsing this play, which caused me to feel like I had less time to blog. But let’s be honest, the main reason I did not blog was my shitty, anxiety and perfectionism.
O.k. I think that is all for now. There is definitely more, but I will likely blog again soon.
Some things I recommend:
Re-watch or watch for the first time Point Break with the great Keanu Reeves and the great Patrick Swayze.
Look for anything Rebecca Solnit writes, particularly on Lithub
I recommend getting off of your phone, taking breaks from it at least.
Watch Ocean Vuong’s interview on Seth Meyers.