F*cking up

Hi. I have not written in a couple of weeks and I want to stick to my commitment. I did write last night but something happened and I did not save what I had written, so I abandoned it.

I have not been feeling great lately; I am experiencing quite a bit of anxiety and some depression. Thankfully the depression mostly passed, I think it was due to the weather. The anxiety is still pretty bad, I have had several days where I have trouble breathing and it affects my ability to sleep. It sucks. I have given a lot of thought to why I am feeling this way, there are many things that might make me feel anxious, like the fact that my seasonal job as a teaching artist is coming to an end. And the fact that I need to generate new work for myself both creatively and monetarily. But I think one of the main reasons for my anxiety is that I have been trying so hard to do everything “right” and I am so afraid of doing anything to disrupt my emotional balance that I think I am driving myself into this anxiety as a rebellion against all of my efforts to be BETTER! So I have come to the conclusion that I just need to allow myself to fuck up. I need to be in a situation and not work so hard to do or say everything in the most clear and productive way. I can just be bad at communicating and not apologize or try to explain WHY I am imperfect. No one thinks I am perfect.

This fucking perfectionism is what kept me from blogging for so long. And by the way, NO ONE reads this blog and I KNEW THAT, but I still kept myself from writing. That’s silly. But hey, since I am accepting my fuck up’s I am going to accept that one as well.

That’s it. I am just here to say that I am going to fuck up some and I am going to enjoy the FUCK out of it!

Here are some things I recommend:

Books: Heartland by Sarah Smarsh

T.V.: Chernobyl on HBO and Fleabag (unfortunately) on AmazonPrime.

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